Thought Stopping Strategies for teens struggling with sexual thoughts and fantasies
Described below is a list of strategies that can be effective in
learning to avoid, ignore and not focus on sexual thoughts and fantasies.
- Practice positive self-talk. Think positive and confident thoughts about
yourself and your ability to be successful. - Practice identifying the spread of thoughts
occurring in your mind at any given time and then selectively choosing to focus
on the thoughts that are appropriate and productive. - Practice being in the present, “here and
now”. Train yourself to pay attention to
things occurring around you rather than getting caught up in the thoughts in
your head. - Fill your mind with positive and useful
thoughts so that the brain trails in your head are strong and clear to positive
information while sexual thought trails become weak and difficult to navigate. - Be interactive with people around you. The more you communicate with other people,
the less time you have to dwell on unwanted thoughts. - Try not to be alone. Don’t isolate yourself or look for chances to
be alone. Involve yourself in social
activities. - Avoid
seeing pornographic images, hearing discussion about sexual themes, or being
around people engaged in sexual behaviors. - If you find yourself dwelling on sexual
thoughts, find something to do such as talking to a friend, exercising, or
singing a church song. - Pray to God for strength to help you avoid
sexual thoughts. - If you find yourself fantasizing, don’t keep
it a secret, talk to your therapist or religious leader. - Use the tracking charts found at the back of
each chapter in this workbook to monitor your progress in avoiding fantasies,
and pornography. - Read scriptures or write in your journal.
15 Myths/Facts about Teen Pornography Addiction
1. “Viewing pornography only affects me and does not affect others.”
MYTH
As with other addictions, there is a ripple effect from the behavior and family members, friends and others suffer from the consequences of the addiction, often times with the addicted person
being too blinded by the addiction to realize this.
Young people addicted to pornography neglect important relationships to pursue
their addiction.
2. “Pornography is a good way to deal with sexual urges without being sexually active.”
MYTH
Pornography always increases sexual urges and sexual drive and makes it more likely for sexual acting out to occur. Most people agree that there are numerous
negative consequences from young people becoming sexually active at an early
age.
3. “Pornography is a harmless way to relax and unwind.”
MYTH
Studies have shown that pornography is highly addictive and mind altering.
Using pornography as an “unwinding” or stress relieving activity prevents the development of normal
coping skills for stress and anxiety. This is particularly harmful for young people who should be developing healthy coping skills to learn to deal with stress.
4. “Pornography is a good way to gain information about sex.”
MYTH
Sexual scenes depicted in pornographic movies are often shown in an exaggerated way and are presented as extremely exciting and arousing. These scenes
portray an inaccurate and unrealistic view of sexual experiences often leaving
those that anticipate similar experiences disappointed. Young people who have and unrealistic view of sexual experiences because of inaccurate pornographic depictions may find themselves comparing
their future spouses to what they saw in pornographic images which may interfere with achieving a fulfilling marriage.
5. “Viewing pornography can decrease the significance and meaning of your sexual relationship with your future spouse.”
FACT
Viewing pornography will desensitize your future sexual experience and lessen the meaning of sex in your future relationships. Young people who refrain
from viewing pornography will find that their sexual relationships with a
future spouse will be more rewarding and fulfilling if they have not been
desensitized from pornography.
6. “Pornography depicts the individuals portrayed as objects rather than people.” FACT
Remember, each person that you look at is a daughter, sister, son or brother of someone. Would you want people looking at your own future wife, husband, daughter, sister, son or brother in a sexual way?
7. “Pornography will not increase my sexual urges.”
MYTH
Viewing pornography will increase your sexual urges and thoughts. You will
become preoccupied with sexual thoughts and find it difficult to focus on the
things in your life that are really important.
8. “Viewing pornography dulls the conscience.”
FACT
Your ability and willingness to distinguish right from wrong are affected by viewing pornography making it easier to justify irresponsible and deceitful behavior.
You may find
yourself making excuses and deceiving yourself about
activities in which you did not participate. During your youth, having a strong conscience is critical as you make important decisions that will impact the rest of your life.
9. “Pornography will not affect the priorities I have in my life.”
MYTH
Viewing pornography will eventually become the most important activity in your life.
The things in your life that should be most important such as family,
school, socializing with friends, extra-curricular activities and participation
in religious activities will become less important and a lower priority than
your pornography addiction.
10. “Pornography distances one from God and Spirituality.”
FACT
It becomes increasingly difficult to feel connected to God while viewing pornography. Feelings of darkness and discouragement will replace the light in your
soul. This is especially important as developing spirituality as a young person
will assist you in making many of the important decisions that you will be
making about your future life.
11. “Viewing pornography can literally cause damage to the brain.”
FACT
Recent scientific research is showing evidence that viewing pornography changes the composition of the brain in a manner similar to the effects that drugs have on the brain. Most young people
realize the harmful effect of drugs on the brain, but far fewer realize that viewing pornography can have
the same effects.
12. “Pornography can be viewed if it is done in way that doesn’t interfere with other life activities.”
MYTH
Pornography is addictive to the point that you will begin to find yourself wasting hours in front of the computer or television and spending large amounts of time, energy and money supporting the
addiction. You may be able to start out
by occasional viewing, but in time, you will begin to neglect school work,
spending time with family and friends and putting off other things in favor of
viewing pornography.
13. “I can stop looking at pornography once I get into a serious relationship.”
MYTH
Because of the nature of addiction, giving up the habit is more difficult than you think and will have an impact on your future relationships. In addition, if
you are addicted to pornography, you may miss out on the opportunities to
develop the personal characteristics that will allow you to be a part of a
successful serious relationship such as a healthy marriage.
14. “Viewing pornography can lower my self-esteem and affect my self-confidence.”
FACT
The addiction cycle moves on a downward spin, and the level of happiness and life satisfaction decreases with continued addiction. Viewing pornography brings
quick and fleeting pleasure, but after the euphoria of the moment is gone, it
leaves you feeling depressed and discouraged about continuing to engage in the
behavior when your intention was to stop.
15. “Pornography is not really addictive. You just have to decide to stop looking.” MYTH
While choosing to not look is important, the power of the addiction is strong enough that many young people continue to look at pornography despite attempts and efforts to stop looking. Young
people who believe that they can simply
decide to stop looking may be in denial about how strong the addictive nature
of pornography actually is.
“The controlled crisis”- The way that wilderness therapy
challenges, impacts and improves the family system.
Parents place their child in a wilderness program setting as a result of behavioral or emotional problems that have resulted in problems at school, in the family or in the
community. Their hope is that the wilderness experience will impact the child in such a way that they are able to resume a healthier level of functioning. Many parents however do
not anticipate the impact that placing their child in a wilderness setting will have on themselves as parents and the entire family system.
A wilderness placement impacts not
only the child who is participating
in the experience, but the entire family system. In ten years of working as a therapist in a wilderness setting, I have guided hundreds of families through “a controlled crisis” in which the
family system is challenged, impacted and ultimately improved. Most youth placed in a wilderness program are initially resistant to the intervention. Most arrive against their will
and have become adept at being able to manipulate others to avoid having to be responsible. In an attempt to avoid having to actually do the work required to complete the program, youth will often
attempt to manipulate their parents into pulling them from the program prematurely through any number of manipulative approaches. These attempts typically occur through emotionally charged letters
written to their parents that are known as “rescue me/pull me” letters.
Letters may sound something like this: I have changed so much in the five days I have been here. I promise I will never disobey you again. I will go to school every day and earn straight A’s.
I will stop hanging
out with my friends and spend every night at home with the family. Please, Please, Please give me a chance to prove myself. Please come and get me. You will not be disappointed. Love your
son.
Another common manipulative letter may sound like this: How could you do this to me? What kind of parent sends their child to a desert? If you really loved me, you
would have talked to me instead of sending me away. I am suffering so much here
and you don’t even care. I will never forgive you for this unless you make this right and get me out of here immediately.
For some parents, these types of letters can create a crisis of sorts. “Will my child actually hate me forever?” “Will they ever get past feeling this angry?” “Is the placement only making the relationship worse?” These are each worries that parents can experience and can result in second guessing their decision to place their child and even drive them to consider taking them home from the program prematurely. This is the controlled crisis. Parents place their child in a treatment program to disrupt the crises that had been occurring, but then encounter a different crisis. Even parents who anticipate initial anger and resistance from their child can be shaken by the first letters received.
As difficult as it is to become aware of the discontent of their child in these letters, these situations provide parents with a golden opportunity to reestablish their role as the parent. The
parent’s response letter in these situations lays the groundwork for the relationship to begin to be rebuilt around a new, healthier set of family boundaries--a set of family boundaries that allows
the parents to function in the role of parent and the child to function in the role of the child. These situations force parents to learn to manage their own fear and anxiety. This requires
focus and effort. Parents who remain firm in their commitment to having their child remain to complete the program find that they themselves have experienced significant emotional growth.
They find that they have established a new healthier boundary with their child. They find that they have gained new resolve to not be emotionally manipulated by their child. They find that their
child has respect for
them as a parent for their resolve. At graduation, during the family therapy session, an interesting conclusion is often reached. Even though it has been their child who has
been in the wilderness setting, parents frequently verbalize that the wilderness experience has
challenged, impacted and improved the entire family system.
Matt Bulkley, LCSW
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